Myth Busters

TRUTH: Figuring out what baby wants or needs can be a process of trial and error, it may take a number of ‘guesses’ until we find the answer. Babies cry a lot, and sometimes they cannot be settled easily even after trying lots of different things. It can feel really difficult when our attempts to soothe them aren’t initially successful. Parent(s) and a new baby are both getting to know each other better, and learning about each other.

There is some helpful advice around infant crying on the ICON website linked here: Infant crying is normal - ICON Cope

TRUTH: You cannot ‘spoil’ a baby with lots of cwtches and cuddles, and responding to your babies’ cries will not make them clingy. Research shows that holding, connecting with and playing with your baby all help them to feel more secure.

This security allows them to feel confident that you will be there for them if they need you, so they are more quickly able to tolerate a little bit of separation from you in age-appropriate ways (e.g. being apart from you in their cot at night-time, or independent play as they grow into toddlerhood).

TRUTH: My baby will turn their head away from me at times, when they need a break. Babies can become tired and overstimulated due to all the lights, sounds, and new things they are experiencing. 60% of all the energy a baby expends is concentrated in their brain, and all babies need breaks to take in all this new information and let their brain develop.

At these times they may yawn, look away or close their eyes. This doesn’t mean they don’t like you or the activity. These breaks are important for brain development. If you watch and wait, they may turn back when they are ready.... or they might just fall asleep!

TRUTH: Babies are still becoming familiar with night and day, and waking in the night is very normal. Babies are all individuals who will have different sleep patterns, and they are very likely to wake through the night, especially in the early months of life. Responding to your baby waking in the night with warmth, love and patience will help nurture your bond and support their development. Its important to be kind to ourselves when suffering with sleep deprivation; this can be really hard and exhausting for parents.

For more information on infant sleep, you can talk to your Health Visitor or visit: BASIS - BASIS – Baby Sleep Information Source (basisonline.org.uk)

TRUTH: Babies need their parent or caregiver to respond sensitively to their cries. This helps with forming a healthy attachment to their parent or caregiver, and allows them to form a healthy view of the world around them, others and themselves. (e.g. ‘the world is a safe place, others care about me, I am worthy and loved’).

As their parent or carer we can offer co-regulation: babies are not able to calm themselves on their own yet, they need help from the adults around them. Even toddlers and children still need us to scoop them up when they cannot manage it.

Although methods of sleep training such as the ‘Cry It Out’ method can be tempting since they claim to offer a chance for your baby not to cry as much at night, there is evidence that this process can be distressing to babies and harmful to your bond. Have a chat with your Health Visitor if you are struggling with crying, sleep, or other issues.

TRUTH: Research shows that whilst we are always aiming to be attuned to our baby and give them what they need, we only need to ‘get it right’ 30% of the time to be a good-enough parent. But hey – didn’t we just say we need to respond sensitively to them? Confusing eh?

Well, research by Donald Winnicott shows us that as parents, we just need to be ‘good enough’ - not ‘perfect’ parents. Good enough parenting can be explained using the metaphor of a dartboard: while we are always aiming for the bullseye (to meet our children’s needs), we won’t always hit it and that’s OK.

In good enough parenting:

• 30% of the time we might hit the bullseye (e.g. see that our infant needs a cuddle, and we respond straight away and are able to soothe them)
• 30% of the time we might try for the bullseye but we miss but are able to fix things, (rupture and repair). For example, our infant starts to cry, as we are late for a feed and they get upset, but we are able to feed them late and so things can be resolved – baby learns that things are not always perfect and we do get it wrong, but we can fix things.
• 30% of the time we might be completely off the mark. Our infant is crying and we are struggling to soothe them, feeling overwhelmed ourselves, maybe we need someone else to help or to put baby down and take a break to help us fill our own cup before trying to help them.

TRUTH: The most important part about playtime is delighting in each other. Babies enjoy looking at your face and learn lots from this experience. Babies learn more from watching you and interacting with you than they do from toys or the TV, although of course those things can be fun! Don’t worry if you can’t afford the newest or the fanciest toys, your baby just wants to connect with you. Playtime can look like splashing in the bath, listening to you sing a nursery rhyme, peek-a-boo, or simply gazing at your face and watching your expressions.