Good Enough Parenting

Some of the things that make this possibly the most challenging but rewarding experience you will ever have are:

• Raising a baby through childhood into adulthood is just about the most demanding thing you will ever do, it requires endless patience and adaptability

• It is also a huge responsibility, again, by far the greatest you will ever have

• But it is also probably the most profound and important emotional relationship you will have

• As your bond and relationship develops, as your baby develops and grows with love, the sense of reward you will feel will be immense

• Which is not to say you won’t still feel incredibly frustrated and angry too sometimes. Often you will feel both those things and more at the same time

• Being a parent is deeply affecting, emotionally intense – nature designed us that way because babies are born so small and vulnerable and unready for the world and they need our protection for a long time

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There will be times when you feel overwhelmed or question yourself as a parent and although not everyone will tell you this, it is normal to feel this way. Here are a few things it might help to know though to get you started.

Research has shown that babies are not only born primed to relate but begin relating even in utero. This means, you can start building a relationship with your baby even before they are born. And this includes you, your partner or any other important carer. You may already find yourself thinking about your baby, what they will be like, what they will look like? It is really helpful to have these thoughts and to be thinking about your baby. These questions may be helpful to you.

Take a look at this short video of a Newborn baby mimicing their Dad's voice: Newborn Baby Mimics Dad's Voice - YouTube

There are three questions that can be really helpful for expectant parents to explore together, take a look at them here: Thinking about baby – Early Thoughtfulness

Often the first thing a baby will properly see is you. Babies bond through their sense, through gaze, touch, sound and smell – when they are born, babies eyes have not yet fully developed and they focus at 8-12 inches away – this just so happens to be the perfect distance for babies and their parents / carers to gaze at each other / when we first pick up a baby, we instinctively adjust how we respond to babies, we support their bodies, hold them at the perfect distance, adjust our voices (parentese) – this is not just an accident, this is part of how we naturally respond to our baby.

Babies become our world

It is normal for new mum’s and dad’s to find themselves thinking about their baby a lot in the first few weeks and months and to find that their whole outlook on life becomes shifted to focus on their baby, their baby’s needs, cries, feelings etc. This is very healthy. It has been called primary maternal preoccupation but basically what this means is that we are designed to become deeply involved and attuned to our babies (and of course affected by them) – this is why we love them so much and it’s why we find them so frustrating when we can’t work out what they want or what is wrong. That’s nature again, designing us to prioritise our babies.

Looking after yourself to look after your baby

Nature wants us to give ourselves up entirely to our baby’s needs and that’s why you also need help and support from others. Many new parents are so focussed on their baby’s needs that they can end up neglecting themselves entirely. So remember again to be kind to yourself. It’s a big job and it’s okay to ask for help, support or just a cwtch when you need it.

Take a look at our GPIMHS leaflets:

Looking After Your Baby Leaflet (PDF English)

Looking After Your Baby Leaflet (PDF Welsh)

You can also downlaod the GPIMHS Early Thoughtfulness Antenatal E-Book 2

And like any rollercoaster ride, it’s wild and exciting, terrifying and fast.

Not surprisingly, having a baby is a powerfully emotional experience with highs and lows. Many parents find, even while still waiting for baby to come along that their thoughts about becoming a parent can stir up memories and thoughts about their own memories of childhood. What sort of parent will I be? Will I be a ‘good’ parent? You may find yourself thinking about the sort of parent your own parents were in both negative and positive ways. It’s normal to feel that there are some ways in which you’d like to be like your own parent and that there are other ways in which you really would like to do things differently. And that’s fine.

Sometimes though, despite our best intentions, we can find ourselves responding in ways to our baby that we don’t really expect or intend and it can be hard when this happens.

But remember

As always, be kind to yourself, it’s not so easy to shake off the ‘ghosts’ of our own past experiences and change the script this time round, but it is possible. When baby first comes along, you may feel bombarded by other people’s advice on parenting, by suggestions and criticisms and information online but we also know that every parent is different, needs to find their own way and develop their own instinct as a parent so that they can be as sensitive and attuned as possible to their baby.

You won’t always get it right and that’s okay. The most important thing is to be responsive and sensitive and sometimes that may mean re-connecting and trying again. It’s what we call "Rupture and Repair" and we know that babies development will benefit from knowing that mum or dad can get it wrong but don’t give up trying to get it right. This is how they learn the strength and resilience to tolerate frustration and later manage adversity and disappointment.

And finally

Being a parent is the hardest job you’ll ever do and there is no one way to do it. The only preparation and training you get is your own experiences of living and of being parented; it’s a process of development and it takes a long time to sort out what works and what doesn’t. 

If you don’t believe us, have a look at this video: World's Toughest Job (We think this applies to all parents, not just mums)